In exactly one week, I'll sit for my behavior analyst certification exam. Honestly, I'm relieved and terrified all at once. The pass rate right now is hovering around 60%, and I wish I could say that I feel confident about being in that top 60%. I really wish I could say that. What I do know is that I use behavior analysis every single day at work, I LOVE what I do, and that I am good at my job--good enough that my boss has already assured me that regardless of whether I pass or fail, and despite the fact that BCBA certification is in the job requirement, my job is safe. What I'm not so sure of is whether all of the months of classes & studying and the years of working in ABA will translate to a passing score on what is undoubtedly the most intimidating test of my life. I hope it does, but I'm not sure.
Like most every weekend in the past few months, I've spent this one studying. I woke up around 7:30, and started in on study modules. I took a break around 9 to eat breakfast....while reading study materials. I just got out of the bathtub...and I even took my iPad in there to do modules too. Writing this is literally the only break I've taken today. It's weird to see how consuming this process has become, and to realize that a lot of it has been driven by anxiety and fear masquerading as dedication. It hit me at work the other day when someone asked when I was taking the exam, and I hesitated; if I failed, and someone knew when I was taking it, I'd have to admit that I didn't make the cut.
But you know what?
To destroy fear you have to admit it, and then face it.
So this is me admitting it--publicly. I'm afraid of this exam. I'm afraid of not making the cut. I'm afraid that I won't be able to compartmentalize failure if it happens, and that I'll struggle with not incorporating it into my identity. I'm afraid of what people will think of me, and I'm afraid that my consultations at work won't hold as much weight. I'm afraid of having to repeat the study process, and of losing several more months of my life to this.
I admit it.
I face it.
Next Saturday, I'll kick it in the freaking face.
Thanks for reading my ramblings tonight guys. I can't wait to be finished with this process and to get back to caring for this little space again. We have so much to catch up on.